In September 2007, I had this feeling, this all encompassing, deeply permeating idea that 2008 was going to be the year, my year, where everything was going to come together. (It sounds incredibly naive and silly now, but I really was filled with intense hope and positive expectations.) Yet, with a death of a loved one at the beginning and another at the very end and my dad’s illness in the middle, it didn’t feel like I thought it was going to be. It is not to say good things didn’t happen – they did, and for those I am immensely thankful, but I would be lying if I said my intuition was right about 2008.
Coming into 2009, I don’t feel any of that. I don’t have too many expectations, one way or the other. Instead, I simply have this huge urge to clean, to get rid of all the junk in my life, most of it mental and emotional, though we did take down the Christmas tree and all the decorations last night, so now my house fits together properly again. (I think it was a bit soon for Crunchy husband, Twelfth Night and all that, but I was done having furniture thrown around willy-nilly, chairs facing walls and blocking bookcases. It was not very harmonious in our little room and I felt it.)
My brain cleaning – because that’s where there seems to be the most junk, besides our garage and the kitchen utility drawer – is centered around one thing: my anxiety. I’ve recognized it is what controls how I feel as a person, my confidence, my creativity, my drive, my outlook. Back in November, I started this giant spreadsheet, my big plan of action to get my groove back on, the BPOATGMGBO for short, with things I need to do to take back control and get my game on. Each thing on the list, either on its own or in tandem with other items, will help me deal with my anxiety by resolving its causes or teaching me to accept (and be content with) the things that are beyond my control. It’s a different list than I am used to because most things aren’t one-offs that I can cross off as I go (and I get so much satisfaction out of that!), but I believe it has the power to focus me where I need to go.
If there ever was a year that contained an open door for unhappiness and despair, it might have been 2008. But, I think I gave it a run for its money, for the most part anyway. It wasn’t always sunny, but then again, it could have been a lot gloomier too.
I will get to where I want to be, one day at a time, sometimes a step back and other days a stride forward. But first things first. The time has come to replace old socks with much brighter, colorful ones the Californian Santas sent me from their trip to the Southwest. I must spark some life into this mid-winter grayness.
2009? Bring it, baby. I’m ready.